Who Was The God That Jesus Worshipped | Yusha Evans

'All that belongs to you is your father's', Does father have full contro...

692 - باب اللُقطة و اللقيط - عثمان الخميس

Final Thoughts on Wifehood (Part 6) By Umm Khalid

 

The Deen Show

 

‏٦‏ س  · 

Final Thoughts on Wifehood (Part 6) By Umm Khalid

We've addressed femininity as a general concept, and established that it encompasses both internal and external aspects, tangible and intangible factors.

In this last part of the series, let's leave the theory and make things concrete. What does femininity offer to masculinity? What does a husband appreciate and need most in a wife?

Here are the 5 most important things I believe a Muslim wife can provide her husband:

1. Be devoted to him:

A wife's deep loyalty and commitment to her husband is one of the most priceless things that she offers. A marriage in which both spouses feel secure and safe with their spouse is built on a solid foundation of trust. Relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman and others show that the number-one thing that marriages can't survive without is trust.

Both husband and wife must feel like they trust the other person to be loyal and devoted, meaning they are safe from things like deception, betrayal, cheating, extra-martial flirting or inappropriate behavior with anyone else.

Kids call this being a "ride or die chick."

So make sure he knows that you're sticking with him, that he is safe from harm with you. Don't divulge his secrets. Don't badmouth him to your friends or humiliate him in front of others. Don't think about another man. Don't parade yourself before other men when he's not around.

In the gender-role-defining ayah in Surat An-Nisa, Allah tells us that a righteous wife is exactly this: devoted to her husband in his presence and in his absence:

فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ...

"...so righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard..." (Surat An-Nisa', 34)

2. Look good for him:

We've all heard the cliche: "Men are visual creatures."

They are, though, lol.

So wives, try to put in a little effort into your appearance at home. I'm not saying that with three little kids clinging to you and screaming in your ear and sneezing in your eyeball all day, you need to also be dressing up in high heels and a fancy dress every day--but maybe just sometimes.

It's important Islamically to look good for your husband. It's not shameful or immodest or against the Quran and sunnah (something a sister once told me she believed!).

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو نُعَيْمٍ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْوَاحِدِ بْنُ أَيْمَنَ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي أَبِي قَالَ، دَخَلْتُ عَلَى عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ وَعَلَيْهَا دِرْعُ قِطْرٍ ثَمَنُ خَمْسَةِ دَرَاهِمَ، فَقَالَتِ ارْفَعْ بَصَرَكَ إِلَى جَارِيَتِي، انْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا فَإِنَّهَا تُزْهَى أَنْ تَلْبَسَهُ فِي الْبَيْتِ، وَقَدْ كَانَ لِي مِنْهُنَّ دِرْعٌ عَلَى عَهْدِ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم، فَمَا كَانَتِ امْرَأَةٌ تُقَيَّنُ بِالْمَدِينَةِ

إِلاَّ أَرْسَلَتْ إِلَىَّ تَسْتَعِيرُهُ‏.‏

Aiman narrated: I went to `Aisha and she was wearing a coarse dress costing five Dirhams. `Aisha said, "Look up and see my slave-girl who refuses to wear it in the house, though during the lifetime of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) I had a similar dress which no woman desiring to appear elegant (before her husband) failed to borrow from me." (Sahih al-Bukhari 2628)

Also, in another statement from our mother `Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her:

It was said to `Aisha: Which type of woman is best?

She said: "The one who does not know about saying bad things, and she is not crafty like men; her focus is on adorning herself for her husband and taking care of her family."

Most women naturally love dressing up every now and then, looking cute, and having their beauty admired. Why not dress up sometimes for your husband, something both sides enjoy?

Also, part of your beauty is your smile and your cheerfulness.

Your sunny attitude and good humor add to your beauty in your husband's eyes. Egyptian wives are famous for what we call نكد ("nakad"), which I can only translate as...nagging/ whining/ misery. Egyptian soap operas are replete with this theme of a wife بتنكد على جوزها, suffocating and depressing her husband with her perpetual dissatisfaction and misery. Lol

So don't be like that. Look good by dressing cute, putting on a little makeup, and smiling and being happy with him. He'll love it!

3. Obey him & respect his authority:

This one grates on most modern ears, because most modern people cringe at the word "obedience." It smacks of patriarchy, serfdom, and other things from the feudal times. We mostly like to think of ourselves as "free thinkers," "free agents," and "independent."

But in reality, we *all* obey something or someone, whether we know it or not. The worst thing to obey is Shaytan and one's own lower self, the nafs. The best One to obey is Allah. And for a Muslim wife, obedience to the husband in halal matters comes next. As long as she is married to a man who is righteous and has taqwa, a Muslim wife is obedient to her husband.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قِيلَ لِرَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَىُّ النِّسَاءِ خَيْرٌ قَالَ ‏ "‏ الَّتِي تَسُرُّهُ إِذَا نَظَرَ وَتُطِيعُهُ إِذَا أَمَرَ وَلاَ تُخَالِفُهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا وَمَالِهَا بِمَا يَكْرَهُ.

Abu Hurairah narrates that it was said to the Messenger of Allah: 'Which woman is best?'

He said: 'The one who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself nor her wealth.'"

I'd also include in this category: show him that you respect and love him by doing small things that you know will make him happy. What's his love language?

There's a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. According to Chapman, the five ways to express and experience love are called "love languages" and they are:

words of affirmation,

quality time,

receiving gifts,

acts of service,

physical touch.

Learn your husband's preferred love language(s) and try to show him through this that you care. Surprise him with a little gift one day, or praise him and give him lots of words of affirmation when he does something awesome, or set aside blocks of time for just the two of you to spend together, etc.

4. Intimacy/ availability:

One of the purposes of marriage in Islam is to safeguard the chastity and purity of all believers, male and female. Especially now, in our porn-addicted nudity-filled modern society, we need to protect ourselves more than ever.

Aside from protection from falling into grave sins like zina, marital intimacy also nurtures and strengthens the emotional bond between husband and wife. Much ink has been spilled on the topic: how martial intimacy leads to a boost in oxytocin, the so-called "love hormone" and other chemicals that increase bonding, happiness, and closeness.

فَإِنِّي لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أَحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِغَيْرِ اللَّهِ لأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا وَالَّذِي نَفْسُ مُحَمَّدٍ بِيَدِهِ لاَ تُؤَدِّي الْمَرْأَةُ حَقَّ رَبِّهَا حَتَّى تُؤَدِّيَ حَقَّ زَوْجِهَا وَلَوْ سَأَلَهَا نَفْسَهَا وَهِيَ عَلَى قَتَبٍ لَمْ تَمْنَعْهُ." ‏

"...If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad! No woman can fulfill her duty towards Allah until she fulfills her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

(Sunnan Ibn Majah Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1853)

This hadith touches on two points: availability for intimacy with the husband and respect for and obedience to the husband.

5. Hold down the fort at home:

In our modern feminist times, the idea of a woman staying home to "take care of the home" is an anathema. Some modern women who see themselves as "independent and empowered" are like, "Me?? Stay HOME?? Never!"

I get that because I used to think like that too, back in the day. But I've alhamdulillah outgrown that mentality and now take the role of wife and mother who holds down the fort at home very seriously. This IS a full-time job. This is not a non-job like society has brainwashed us to believe.

Work like doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking meals, sweeping floors, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, and getting groceries are generally seen as meaningless menial labor or "domestic drudgery" not fit for a college-educated woman who knows her worth. What is she, the maid?

No. She's the wife. Being a wife means (among other things) managing the big and small details of day-to-day life that ensure smooth sailing for a family on a practical level at home. If your husband is working to provide financially for the family (which is his Islamic responsibility and your right as a wife), then you are working to provide a calm, well-run home for the family.

I'm not saying you personally MUST physically do all these chores yourself; get a helper or a maid if you want to and can afford it. But it IS your job to manage it and see to it getting done.

It's not fair if he works outside 9-5 to pay the bills, cover taxes, AND ALSO come home to continue working inside by cooking his own dinner. Division of labor is a smart way of doing things. Home logistics is part of your job.

And the job description grows quite a bit when Allah blesses you with children. Taking care of the children to the best of your ability, nurturing them, teaching them the deen, and meeting their physical, spiritual, emotional needs is another aspect to taking care of things at home.

Now, I know that this is quite a lot!

But you are not alone.

This is a joint effort for the sake of Allah, a combined struggle of both the husband and the wife to start and maintain a righteous Muslim family. The husband and the wife are a team: they each have clearly-defined assigned roles, but they also don't hesitate to lovingly step in to help one another if it's needed.

I used to play tennis in high school and I always preferred playing singles to playing doubles. Playing doubles tennis means you have a partner and you're a team facing off against another team of two. I hated it because it's very easy to lose. Very often, the ball comes sailing right between the two of you as both of you look, startled, at one another and neither person hits the ball. The first person assumed that the second was going to get it and the second person assumed that the first person was going to get it. Neither gets it and the ball bounces off the court and you lose the point.

Marriage is a little bit like playing doubles tennis. The only way to win is to have well-defined tasks *and* to communicate CLEARLY with your partner. The two of you must coordinate so that nothing falls through the cracks. Each person knows exactly what he or she's going to cover. You know you're on the same team and that you've got each other's back--but you still need to talk about who's going to do what and what your expectations are and ask for help when you need it.

I know that over the past several posts, I've been addressing only the roles and responsibilities of the wife, because as a woman, I'm talking to my dear fellow sisters. But of course husbands have their own role to play and many responsibilities to shoulder, too. To have a good marriage, the husband and wife need to work together like a well-oiled machine.

May Allah(God Almighty) make us good wives to our husbands and good husbands to our wives, and help us raise strong Muslim children grounded firmly in the deen, ameen!

٢٫٨ ألفأنت و٢٫٨ ألف شخصًا آخر

٩٦ تعليقًا

٥٠٢ مشاركة

أعجبني

تعليق

مشاركة