Thoughts on Wifehood, Part 3 by Umm Khalid
Be an Appreciative Wife
Everyone likes to be appreciated for what they do. Men, women, children, adults. All human beings have a basic need to feel appreciated and recognized when they do something well. In all cultures, there is a word or gesture for "thank you."
This applies so much to spouses in a marriage. Both the husband and the wife must feel appreciated in order for the marriage to thrive. But since I'm talking to my ladies right now, let's zero in on the importance of a wife appreciating her husband in Islam.
Reflect on this strongly-worded hadith in Sahih Bukhari:
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، قَالَ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم:
" أُرِيتُ النَّارَ فَإِذَا أَكْثَرُ أَهْلِهَا النِّسَاءُ يَكْفُرْنَ ". قِيلَ أَيَكْفُرْنَ بِاللَّهِ قَالَ " يَكْفُرْنَ الْعَشِيرَ، وَيَكْفُرْنَ الإِحْسَانَ، لَوْ أَحْسَنْتَ إِلَى إِحْدَاهُنَّ الدَّهْرَ ثُمَّ رَأَتْ مِنْكَ شَيْئًا قَالَتْ مَا رَأَيْتُ مِنْكَ خَيْرًا قَطُّ."
Ibn `Abbas narrated that the Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful."
It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah(God Almighty)?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?)
He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."
If you are a wife, this hadith should give you immediate pause.
Don't reflexively tell yourself, "Yeah, this doesn't really apply to me though." It does. Measure yourself according to its standard.
Note the wording used by our Beloved الحبيب صلى الله عليه وسلم.
The word كفر (kufr) is not a word used lightly. The severity and weight of this word alone should indicate to us wives the seriousness with which we ought to take this matter.
There are of course degrees of kufr. The worst is kufr in Allah, disbelief in Allah. But the word kufr means something else alongside "disbelief": it also means to deny or to bury. When you deny the favors of Allah on you and bury the truth your fitra tells you that He is your Lord, this is kufr.
Now there are other kinds of kufr, done regarding people. Kufr of kindness is denial of kindness. Kufr of favors is negation of favors. This translates to ingratitude and entitlement. Basically, this describes a person whose attitude is take, take, take. But never thank or acknowledge or appreciate.
One context in which we see this clearly is the gratitude and appreciation Allah commands us all to have for our parents. Disrespect or ingratitude towards parents (عقوق الوالدين) is a major sin that bars one from Jannah! Allah explicitly orders us in the Quran:
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
"And We have commanded the human being to ˹honor˺ his parents. His mother bore him through hardship upon hardship, and his weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return." (Surat Luqman, 14)
We also see this hadith linking thanking people with thanking Allah Himself:
من لا يشكر الناس لا يشكر الله.
"A person who doesn't thank people doesn't thank Allah."
Lack of appreciation and outright denial (kufr) of favors are traits of the people of hellfire. And the hadith specifically warns us that many women unfortunately have this tendency.
Instead of whining that this sounds awfully sexist or misogynistic as feminists do, we Muslimahs acknowledge that this is simply a reality and strive to always check ourselves and guard against lapses of ingratitude to our husband.
Let's leave the context of marriage for a minute and jump to a different context: the workplace.
In an article published in the Harvard Business Review under the tag "Managing People," we see the following excerpt:
"Whatever else each of us derives from our work, there may be nothing more precious than the feeling that we truly matter — that we contribute unique value to the whole, and that we’re recognized for it.
The single highest driver of engagement, according to a worldwide study conducted by Towers Watson, is whether or not workers feel their managers are genuinely interested in their wellbeing. Less than 40 percent of workers felt so engaged.
Feeling genuinely appreciated lifts people up. At the most basic level, it makes us feel safe, which is what frees us to do our best work..."
A worker who feels that his boss truly sees him and notices his hard work and appreciates his efforts is more engaged and invested. He works even harder, steps things up even more.
A husband who feels that his wife truly sees him and notices his hard work and appreciates his efforts is more engaged and invested in the relationship and the marriage. He works even harder to make her happy, steps up his efforts even more to please her.
So a wife appreciating her husband is a win-win: he wins the positive feelings from her praise and thanks, and she wins his redoubled efforts for her.
Let's make this concrete. What are some small but tangible ways a wife can show her appreciation to her husband?
1. Verbally: get in the habit of saying "Thank you, habiby" when he does something nice for you. It's a small phrase easy for you to say but it warms his heart and goes a long way with him.
2. Physically: smile at him and be cheerful. Look at him with admiration and let your appreciation and gratitude shine in your eyes.
3. Try not to nag or pester: when you want him to do something or give you something, ask nicely and don't be pushy. If you make too many demands or nag him about the same thing over and over, he feels unappreciated, like the mule who has to give and give ceaselessly and jump at your command. Appreciate what he *does do* by not asking for more constantly (especially small stuff).
4. Mentally: keep a running list of all the good he's done. When he messes up (as he inevitably will because he is human just like you), fight the urge to cancel all his good deeds because of the dumb thing he just said or the stupid mistake he just made.
We tend to keep a list of all the BAD deeds our man has done over the years. Egyptian women can be champs at this and affectionately call this bad-deed list اللسته السوده, the Black List, lol. Whenever a husband annoys his wife, she'll pull out her Black List of his past crimes and beat him over the head with it, even if he has apologized for that stuff long ago and she had "forgiven" him.
Don't be like that. This wiping clean of all the good at the first sign of the bad is so demoralizing and discouraging. Your husband will feel like he can never win, can never do anything right for you, can never make you happy. He does a lot to try to make you happy, but at his first mistake, you wipe the slate clean and flush his previous hard work down the toilet, and now he's back at zero. He is now forced to claw his way back into your good graces, his entire record of kindness to you erased. "I've never seen a good deed from you," as the hadith says.
I read this hadith early on in my marriage and I was very scared I'd fall into it. So I created a document on my laptop called "Things I Love About My Husband." I listed all the nice things he'd done for me, all the ways he goes out of his way to make me happy, all the times he'd helped or surprised me or spoiled me.
Then when something came up (an argument, a fight, an issue--marriage is full of these and that's okay), I'd pull up this White List lol to calm myself down and put everything into perspective. (He still better apologize tho!)
So make a White List, and tear up that long Black List, ladies. You'll be happier and so will your husband inshaAllah.
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